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"You are the most dangerous kind of female the world can ever know. You carry the seeds for your own destruction and the destruction of everyone who loves you. And a great many will love you for your beautiful face for your seductive body; but you will fail them all because you will believe they all fail you first. You are an idealist of the worst kind - the romantic idealist. Born to destroy and self destruct."
-V. C. Andrews

crazy

Last night I had a dream.

I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord.



Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.


In each scene I notic

I dreamt I was talking to people, but they weren't making any sense.

I was walking through a courtyard and I would keep speaking to people-my friends, they spoke english but it was worded so strangely that I didn't know what they meant.

At first I thought they might have a thought disorder, but as more and more people didn't make sense I realised I must have the thought disorder, I was the crazy one.

And there wasn't a damn thing I could do about it.

Uncovered

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Again, doubts are nesting. That already,

With a soft word, you can voice your feelings
Ignites fear. Can't you see I'm concealing
...What? Incertitude, reluctance, dread. Flee
From me while you freedom holds its head. See
The way my mouth curves (not to the ceiling),
Not your fault but mine. A lack of zeal? Sings
The voice. No, I swear, my mouth is steady.
But look at what you have been dragged into,
My lair. The voice suggests I should sever
What has not even begun.  No! Adieu!
I scream to voices. Are they so clever
or am I so foolish as to undo
That which may bring joy to me? No. Never.

the back-up

it's not a plan, it never was
but sometimes it feels as if it's this inevitability i will fight until the day i don't.

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darker

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cellar door cellar door cellar door cellar door cellar door cellar door cellar door cellar door cellar door cellar door cellar door cellar door cellar door cellar door cellar door cellar door cellar door cellar door cellar door cellar door cellar door cellar door cellar door cellar door cellar door cellar door cellar door cellar door cellar door cellar door cellar door cellar door cellar door cellar door cellar door cellar door cellar door cellar door cellar door cellar door cellar door cellar door cellar door cellar door cellar door cellar door cellar door cellar door cellar door cellar door cellar door cellar door cellar door cellar door cellar door 

if i could sleep

photo.  

i could sleep
(in or out of my head)
for a thousand years
in a thousand places
and still couldn't face
the tears
i would shed
if i were to keep
going.

i could sleep
for a thousand years
all for love
for goodness' sake
and still wouldn't be
asleep enough
to awake
from this travesty
(my mind is slowing).

i could sleep
for a thousand years
i'd cling to it like
my oldest friend
though he
(the little tyke)
would not send
to me
any replies.

if i could sleep
for a thousand years
i'd be left uninspired
mouth gagged in slumber's scream
as hours minutes seconds end
time would blend
with a watery dream
before my tired
eyes.

let it go

  dont worry about what it is or if it means anything
dont you get it?
the best things mean nothing
the happiest people dont think
they dont know
dont care

dont you get it?
Madame de Stael was wrong
The greatest happiness isn't to transform one's feelings into action.


the greatest happiness is to stop feeling
stop thinking
but keep acting

IGNORANCE IS BLISS
people are lonely
the world is fucked up
you will never be happy not really

and if you really think, really feel, it will be too much
you will lose yourself
(and if you don't lose yourself you aren't doing it right. if you don't lose yourself you're already doing this, subconsciously)

but if you act without thinking
without considering
others

you might catch a glimpse of happiness

because someone's always going to be unhappy
someone's always dying or crying
someone's always laughing
but it doesn't concern you

let it go
because empathy can squeeze your throat so tight you suffocate

and noone wants that

not really

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Ignore it, I dare you:

this is your future.

la vérité

photos.  

here we go again
with your false hope and my reckless promises
your meaningful looks and my empty words
your beliefs and my aversion to changing them.

the storyline's the same we just rearrange the characters

Dylan.

Don't you realise?
Nothing has changed.
NOTHING.
And all I keep thinking is how I hate how lately it's been an effort to stay friends.
How you're starting to annoy me more than anything.
How when I feel shit, I can't tell you.
How you seem so cocky to me these days.
How you always seem uncomfortable.
How I feel uncomfortable because I feel like you want a relationship, when I can only handle a friend.
How even the songs you write about me are actually about you.
How you only ever make the effort to talk to me over the phone, or internet
   when I want something more real than that.
But then again, I guess we've always wanted different things.

And then I think: fuck you.
And that's how this all began.
And that's why it's falling apart.


I NEED A BREAK.

"Letting go doesn't always mean giving up, but rather accepting that there are things that cannot be."

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(sorry I gave up)

                                                                                                this one is about me.