Monster

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His handprints, imprinted
On her skin, chest, her thighs.
They draw my red-ringed eyes
To the unseen -his prize
Lost, that which showed his lies.
Society decries
Us. Who blames their surmise?

He causes me to despise
Myself. My babe was unwise.
Her failure to realise
His motivation, implies
I failed her, to advise
Her, as a father. Chastise
Her? I can't. In his cold eyes
She saw goodness. But his guise
Misled her. Led to her demise,
Her brokenness. I hear her cries
As she sleeps, blending with my sighs
For our lost years. It's been hinted
They've drifted off to holy skies.

Masks.

“The most important kind of freedom is to be what you really are.
You trade in your reality for a role.
You trade in your sense for an act.
You give up your ability to feel, and in exchange, put on a mask. There can’t be any large-scale revolution until there’s a personal revolution, on an individual level.

It’s got to happen inside first.

You can take away a man’s political freedom and you won’t hurt him- unless you take away his freedom to feel. That can destroy him. That kind of freedom can’t be granted. Nobody can win it for you.”
— Jim Morrison

When we are very young, we are taught, by example, that the only way to survive is to put on a mask.

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So, we do
because we want to stay whole.



At first it it fun, and everybody knows that it is only make-believe.

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But our faces get mixed up, and sometimes (only sometimes) we aren't sure which mask to choose, we can't remember which one

is the real mask

isn't a mask at all.

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So we continue to grow and as highschool catches us in its web, we get confused- everyone does.

You look at masks for so long,
you forget what it is to look at a real face,
get to know a real person.

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Pretty soon everybody has a mask and you begin to think without one you might be outcasted, thrown away.
So you keep it on, even if it starts to feel wrong.

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You stop taking it off, 

instead wearing it obsessively.

Around your friends,

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Around those you care about,

  

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Until, shock.

Horror.

 

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You realise you've forgotten how to take it off.

Until the day comes when you look in the mirror, and don't recognise what you see,

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don't know how to get back what you've lost.

But don't give up, everyone has been, is or will be where you are standing now.

  Don't give up,

because you'll find that those moments when the mask lifts,

even if only by accident,

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are worth all the others combined. And eventually,

if you're lucky...

 you'll find someone who can see through the mask.

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“I keep expecting to come to my senses, but the pressure is lifting with each step I take. I’ve spent a lifetime keeping up my guard, watching my back, wearing my mask. Relief was never in sight until now.”

— Dexter - 2.11 - ‘Left Turn Ahead’

missing.

Ordinary, said Aunt Lydia, is what you are used to. This may not seem ordinary to you now, but after a time it will. It will become ordinary.
-The handmaid's Tale, Margaret Atwood.


What do you do when you've lost ordinary.
Because i have and now i don't know what to do.
I thought it would turn up eventually but it has been two weeks and i can't find it.
And if i do find it, who's to say i'll want it back?
 
 
 
Two weeks ago I had a life changing experience.

apparently.



but now i'm back in this dreary city
living exactly like i did before
pretending that it didn't.

change me

And when i act like it did people don't like it because they want me to keep being the person i was, but i don't want to pretend and i don't want to hurt my friends.
why are they mutually exclusive?

i would never take back this experience, but it's hard. sometimes.
when i'm not the same how can i continue doing the things the other me did.?

With love,