You again

Please, don't.

Actually, no- Just do it. Do it because you can and I can't, do it because it might return me to sanity, it might push the fog away, oxygen might return.


I have ways to cope,

I'll cover my eyes and cut off my ears. I'll snort cement, scrape away my nerves. I'll drink acid.
And i'll finally
stop feeling and just
be



-but that's cheating.

damn it.

                      photos


fuck life.

Here I go again.

Why do i hide and run away and cower?

Why can't i be happy with who i am and with my life?

Why do i always want more?

Why does my life always have to revolve around me?

.

What i don't want to do -more than anything- is to
repeat my mistakes because that would mean i haven't learnt,

and i can't waste you on a mistake.

because this isn't twilight.

                                                                           photo.


"Why did you say that?", Jonesy said, his eyes searching her. Lee's eyes widened and she shrugged her shoulders, praying it would come across as apathy and not her stomach coiling and recoiling, as if her nerves were on fire. She could hear the words hanging in the air, the words he so badly wanted to say but couldn't.
"Why does it matter?", she choked out, amazed how his physical presence alone could affect her.
Now it was his turn to shrug, before -after a few moments of studying her- turning and walking away. It wasn't that she didn't love him, it was that she'd proved it to him enough times already and now it was his turn. That she wanted him to prove this was a mutual feeling, this love. But he couldn't, because he had too much too lose and he didn't know if there was anything to gain.
Because this wasn't Romeo and Juliet or Pride and Prejudice, this was real life, and he probably never had loved her, and he would never come back, and Lee would find another boy with laughter in his eyes and warmth in his mouth and give her heart to him, and hope he would take care of it because it's the only one she's got thank-you-very-much.
"Fucking coward." Lee muttered as she shook her head, her dark hair loose around her face catching her tears as she bent down to collect the shards of her self that lay scattered at her feet like glass.

i'm such a dick.

 photo.           
i like myself
i like myself
i like myself

these words are scratched into my heart, they might fade but they'll never fully heal.

sometimes i hate myself for being who i am,
because you have to convince yourself to like you.

big storm.

So I'll go to sleep
and dream about the world falling to pieces around me,
Knowing when I wake up there might be a whole new earth to fight.

letterhead #1

dear c,
sorry they say what they say
even if you don't hear it and i deny it.
it would hurt you if you knew.
don't worry, they lie
he loves you.
i know he does.

with love,

p.s. i really do want to be friends.

When I read your words.

As a writer,
you
are
Like a butterfly, you
gracefully dance through life
capturing its essence in a few
words.
Twisting and turning you allow
the generic to become unique
the lonely to become breath taking
words to become worlds,
ideas,
moments.
You measure time with a piece of paper
in your mind
instants are continuous,
momentous,
lifechanging.
seconds minutes hours blend
they can be lived and relived
emotions running wild
thoughts in overdrive
you're a maker of magic
because you stop time.
and hold it in the palm of your hand.



As a moth
i look on
aware of our differences
accepting that beauty takes many forms.

Unreachable

photos.     

Sometimes I sit and wonder
am I growing into
or growing out of myself.
It seems
the more I try to reconnect
with who I was
the further away she is.