Letterhead #15

Dear Jack,
I'm petrified. I don't want to look at you the wrong way.
I'm scared because I can't avoid this. You can't see it coming but I can.
When you're thirty, and married, and maybe you have a child or two.
And you think back to me, the first girl that ever counted for you, the girl you thought might be the one.
And you cringe.
The aspiring actress. The sometimes drunken, always depressed mess. An incredibly self-absorbed, shallow, foolish girl.
And you wonder what happened, or maybe you'll know. And you won't be as open-minded as you are now, and you'll know what an idiot I am. For the drugs and the self-destruction.
Ugh. What a cliche.

fighter

photo.  

Dear World,
I'm trying to fight.
I want to be a fighter.
So if I fight you,
please don't think it's because I dislike you.
It's because I need to fight myself
                                        my friends
                                        my enemies
                                        my unhappiness
                                        my thoughts
                                        the universe.
It's because I need to fight anything I can to remind myself I can fight.

I'm strong enough to fight this.

yuck

photo. 

my head feels so foggy and thick
i hate this feeling
but i don't know how to cure it

yuckyuckyuck

familiarity can eat dick

Release

photo.   

"But why acting?"
"I'm not sure,

it's just what has always felt closest to right."

"But it doesn't anymore?"

"No...I don't know.
         I feel like I owe it to myself I guess."


"To your former self or to who you are now?"

"Former."

"Even if you don't want that anymore?"
"Yeah

...I don't know."

"Let me ask you something, when you were a child and people asked you what you wanted to be when you grow up, did you say an actor?"
"No."
"What did you say?"

"I said happy."

I need to bite my tongue to stop myself from saying it.
I need to think it through to stop myself from feeling it.

thanks.

photo.  

There is a girl in my lecture who has blonde hair, and a vulnerable face. She wears pale cotton blouses and cardigans that look like my grandmother's and has a set mouth.
And she has a doll, it must be at least eleven inches and it sits on her desk. The doll has an elvish face, and short, blonde hair and twig-green skin.
In my classes, sometimes I hear girls talk about the girl, how odd she is.
Please, don't listen to them. One week, when I felt upset and uncontrolled and shaky, I saw you and your doll, and I understood why you brought her.
I even pretended she was mine. And I felt better.

I guess I just wanted to say -Thanks.
Stay strong.

untitled

photo.  

my skin
rises to meet your hands
i can tell
i have no control, that
this is unconscious
it's automatic
instinctive
this
this is bigger than you
or me
this is chemistry
and nature
and DNA
this is written into my body
into the patterns of your palms
as they glide
down my spine
over my stomach
this is different
and new
and it makes my heart
beat
in time with something
there isn't a word for.
this might not be love but
it makes me believe in it.

Promise

Don't forget to look up once in a while.

photo.  

Force yourself to.

The Apiarist.

photo.  

there is
a storm of bees
swarming, forming
around her head
on days like this morning
people passing
pretending
they can not see
any bees, can not see
the honey
dripping from her
eyes
knees
thighs
there is no smoke, today

one young man
nears her
does not wear
a beekeeper suit
but still, leans in
and licks the honey
off her swollen chin
and licks the honey
off his velvet lips
i think, maybe,
he knows
today, she doesn't like honey
i think, maybe,
he knows
she doesn't like to be
a beekeeper
always.

she wonders
if he exists
to prove the bees
don't have to.

Update

Today I wore the necklace you gave me and wished I had you instead.
Today I sat in a lecture and tried not to cry.
Today I finished reading a book I started last night.
Today I didn't fall asleep halfway through the day, which I've been doing for weeks.
Today I accepted my emotions.
Today I tried to eat healthily and then ate some nutella that someone left in the pantry.
Today I was meant to edit my assignment that's due today, but I left it.
Today was like all the others in the end.