Thursday, August 2, 2012

Letterhead #16

Dear Jack,
I'm lonely when I'm with you.
Not always, but often.
I try so hard not to be sad around you.
Or if I am sad, not to let it show.

I don't want to tie my sadness to you.
Tie you to my sadness.
I told you that, once.
You said something like:
I'm sorry that you're sad, but it doesn't affect my mood.
You wanted to reassure me.
It did.
But it also made me feel
Sometimes I feel so lonely it feels as though I'm trying to breathe in Carbon Dioxide. 
Because, you're my person, and even you don't understand.
It was different when I was alone.
I was better at caring for myself.
Less focussed on you.
Less soft.
It was better.
I don't know if I can get better with you.
I can't breathe.

It's getting to the point where I am no fun anymore, I am sorry. / Sometimes it hurts so badly I must cry out loud, ' I am lonely.' / I am yours, you are mine, you are what you are, you make it hard.
-David Crosby


Emilia said...

I want to re-assure you but I don't know how except to say that I'm here.
You're not the only one whose lonely amongst those they care for...
Keep strong.

Erimentha said...

This is so fantastic...this is exactly how I'm feeling about an old lover right now. And I know often people say "I totally know how you feel right now". But I guess, this time, I think I might actually...take care of yourself, xxx
PS. I've also learnt since then, people do not make good cures.

Melee said...

I have no one quite like this in my life, but the emotions of these lines feel so familiar.

This especially:
"I don't want to tie my sadness to you.
Tie you to my sadness.

Sadness is such a sticky fog of an emotion. I hope things clear for you someday soon. Til then, oh I don't know - hang in there, as stupidly cliche as that is. xxx