utopia

warm and safe,
like a pea in a pod
a bug in a rug
a yolk in its shell,
protected.
Never lonely because
you're never alone.
Mummmmm.
a constant word
hums like time.
my lullaby,
-our lullaby-
Her presence can't be erased.
we're forever bound by the first hug.

words swim toward me
enveloped in silence
her murmurings.
Then suddenly, louder
frantic
pain, stretching, tearing,
never-ending
it slips into my lungs 
white hot air stabbing my insides
screams, ours.
we scream together
as we are torn apart
oxygen and air and lungs
                                      and pain




cold and vulnerable
the egg has cracked.

This is it

photo.   

every time the feelings creep back
(aren't they like rats)
i look at the proof
my fingertips tracing the memory

like a medal
i remember the triumph
and the feelings are dimmed once more

letterhead #4

Dear future me,
I'm sorry I didn't study
for bio (and probably all the others)
I just hate this. I hate what's happening
and how little control i have over it.
I hate how I had control but I gave it up.
I hate how it makes me feel.
I hate how I told Bella, but she brushed it off, so I did too ( i hate how that didn't work).
I hate how when I think of the future I only feel despair,
how it seems so close to being too hard.
And now I'm choking on my own tears.

It's just hard, you know? Just
hold on till your play
it'll be good then.
With love,