No use crying

You don’t let people in. It’s hard for you and once you do you don’t want to let them go and when they fuck up you’re like "Why did you do that to me? I gave you my feelings. I did everything for you, and you screwed me over."



— Audrina Patridge

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Masks.

“The most important kind of freedom is to be what you really are.
You trade in your reality for a role.
You trade in your sense for an act.
You give up your ability to feel, and in exchange, put on a mask. There can’t be any large-scale revolution until there’s a personal revolution, on an individual level.

It’s got to happen inside first.

You can take away a man’s political freedom and you won’t hurt him- unless you take away his freedom to feel. That can destroy him. That kind of freedom can’t be granted. Nobody can win it for you.”
— Jim Morrison

When we are very young, we are taught, by example, that the only way to survive is to put on a mask.

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So, we do
because we want to stay whole.



At first it it fun, and everybody knows that it is only make-believe.

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But our faces get mixed up, and sometimes (only sometimes) we aren't sure which mask to choose, we can't remember which one

is the real mask

isn't a mask at all.

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So we continue to grow and as highschool catches us in its web, we get confused- everyone does.

You look at masks for so long,
you forget what it is to look at a real face,
get to know a real person.

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Pretty soon everybody has a mask and you begin to think without one you might be outcasted, thrown away.
So you keep it on, even if it starts to feel wrong.

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You stop taking it off, 

instead wearing it obsessively.

Around your friends,

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Around those you care about,

  

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Until, shock.

Horror.

 

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You realise you've forgotten how to take it off.

Until the day comes when you look in the mirror, and don't recognise what you see,

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don't know how to get back what you've lost.

But don't give up, everyone has been, is or will be where you are standing now.

  Don't give up,

because you'll find that those moments when the mask lifts,

even if only by accident,

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are worth all the others combined. And eventually,

if you're lucky...

 you'll find someone who can see through the mask.

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“I keep expecting to come to my senses, but the pressure is lifting with each step I take. I’ve spent a lifetime keeping up my guard, watching my back, wearing my mask. Relief was never in sight until now.”

— Dexter - 2.11 - ‘Left Turn Ahead’

Two is the beginning of the end.

"All children, except one, grow up. They soon know that they will grow up, and the way Wendy knew was this. One day when she was two years old she was playing in a garden, and she plucked another flower and ran with it to her mother. I suppose she must have looked rather delightful, for Mrs Darling put her hand to her heart and cried, ‘Oh, why can’t you remain like this for ever!’ This was all that passed between them on the subject, but henceforth Wendy knew that she must grow up. You always know after you are two. Two is the beginning of the end."                                                             

— J.M. Barrie (Peter Pan)

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 "You need not be sorry for her. She was one of the kind that likes to grow up. In the end she grew up of her own free will a day quicker than the other girls."
— J.M. Barrie (Peter Pan)
 

Please get me out of here before it's too late.

Night Terrors.

.
.
.

Words
Pounding
In my head
on my skull

thump
thump
thump

Begging
to be let in out
probably out

Silence.
that's all i want
The dull reverberating neverending drone
of silence
do you understand?
these words are becoming too much
they crush my lungs
suffocating me
they cower in the pit of my being
like monsters
scrambling over one another
ferocious lonely crazed
they turn on one another
and attack
desperate hungry
for freedom for an escape.

when, suddenly-
there
a glimmer
a light of opening, a hope of shaft.

but they're over eager
instead of catapulting into the abyss
emerging
swift and meaningful
they trip
slip
slide
clumsily on my parted lips
they stumble and fall
proving there's no point

believe me
i have the words
i just can't express the meanings
so instead i battle
with the thump
thump
thumping of words
that cannot be expressed

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missing.

Ordinary, said Aunt Lydia, is what you are used to. This may not seem ordinary to you now, but after a time it will. It will become ordinary.
-The handmaid's Tale, Margaret Atwood.


What do you do when you've lost ordinary.
Because i have and now i don't know what to do.
I thought it would turn up eventually but it has been two weeks and i can't find it.
And if i do find it, who's to say i'll want it back?
 
 
 
Two weeks ago I had a life changing experience.

apparently.



but now i'm back in this dreary city
living exactly like i did before
pretending that it didn't.

change me

And when i act like it did people don't like it because they want me to keep being the person i was, but i don't want to pretend and i don't want to hurt my friends.
why are they mutually exclusive?

i would never take back this experience, but it's hard. sometimes.
when i'm not the same how can i continue doing the things the other me did.?

With love,