hold on

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when i am 30
i will live alone, in a house in the country
and when i stand outside and look around my house, i will not see a trace of civilization except mine
and at night the stars will sing to me.

i will live there for 3 months, or a year or unto death
and i will cook and read and write
and retreat
from the world
into myself

i will not have a family
because even then i wont be that selfish
instead i will have me
and my thoughts
and they will occupy me and my time

instead

i will have a room with nothing in it
but metal and wood and sand
and when i need to
i will go into the room and throw paint at the walls and at myself
i will throw the wood at the walls and the metal at the wood
i will run my fingers through the sand then my hair
and i will finally physicalize feelings

sometimes when im lonely i will speak to myself
or my fire or sink
because they will listen and so will i
i will sit on my roof and scream and scream and scream
and dance
and noone will hear me and noone will care
and i won't feel trapped
or lonely or in danger or targeted
ill feel like myself
ill feel free

and until then, that -that promise- will be enough

love

From the broad vaults and spaces you can see it all again because it never ceases to be. You can see that figure teetering out over the water, looking into your face, and you can see the crowd up on the treethick bank behind him finishing this momentous day off and getting ready to wonder where he is.

And you can't help but worry for them, love them, want for them- those who go on down the close, foetid galleries of time and space without you.

-Cloudstreet, Tim Winton

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past present future

His small time's end. His time-
Who saw infinity through the countless cracks
In the blank skin of things, and died of it.

-A. S. Byatt, Possession

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twins

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i.
you look at me with dual faces they take me places
i don't want to go
your words wrap around each other, juxtaposed to their brother
twisting their meanings to your smile.
it is so wearing to tell which face you are wearing
today, to whom i am telling my thoughts.
I love you but only part of you
and aren't lovers meant to love all
 
 
ii.
it doesn't matter. we are identical
when i look in the mirror i wonder who i will be
today, and i wonder who
is wondering those thoughts.
i wander aimlessly through volleys of motions,
valleys of emotions
i have no ultimate.
only guilt for this affliction i force on you
on you who love me
part of me - even lovers can't love every part
 
 
iii.
you and me, we are identical

in that our faces aren't                                               

 

grow up

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darker

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but

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ever after

This is a post by Ever, that i adore.

There is so much,

too much,

to say.

I can't begin to wrap the words together

nor can I undo the ones I have created.

The thing about creativity is

once it is done,

it cannot be undone.

The intricate vines that you weave

layer themselves

into the most unspoken beauty.

They thicken until each and every reader

is shut out

from their truth; their connotation.

The denotation,

while pleasent and blooming

with lilacs and sweet pea blossoms,

is never what it seems.

Eventually, what you have created

will begin to bloom itself

cascading into the neon sharpness,

carving into acute angles.

Withering until the flower-scent

seeps into your mind.

It's pollen wiggles into the crevices,

dangling along your neurons

puncturing your occipital lobe.

These vines encase you

wrapping into a tight shell,

protecting your innermost softness

and locking your secrets up tight.

Together, you sprout thorns.

unlucky

creative writers are more likely to be mentally unstable. or mentally unstable people are more likely to write creatively.

it doesn't matter, we all knew that. really.

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Sylvia Plath effect

The Sylvia Plath effect is a term coined by psychologist James C. Kaufman in 2001 to refer to the phenomenon that creative writers are more susceptible to mental illness than other people. Kaufman’s work demonstrated that female poets were more likely to suffer from mental illness than any other class of writers. This finding has been discussed in many international newspapers, including the New York Times. The finding is consistent with other psychological research studies.


The effect is named after the American poet Sylvia Plath, who committed suicide when she was thirty years old.

about before

i know

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