your story

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Watery sunlight leaks through your curtains, your eyelids.

It will become apparent to you, maybe wake you.
Gradually and then suddenly.
You will tug at your limbs, that lie dead against the thin, the white sheets.

It will be easier to give up.
To lie in half darkness, to let it wrap you up in it's consuming warmth. To let it smother you. To stay there all day, longer.
And so you will. You will lie and sleep and doze in a murky haze of reality.
You will lose track of time.
Family, then friends will worry. And -even though none of them are bright enough, and those that are will be too bright, too artificial- they will want you to wake up. But no, all the while you will drag your heavy curtians shut tighter.

You will choose darkness. Because there is a kind of comfort. A familiarity in it.

You will choose darkness. Because for as long as you can remember, that's how you knew it would be.

You will choose darkness. Because that's how the story goes.

Failure

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Oh that is so sad

So Sad
that after everything you are still making an effort

it just gives me another reason not to
not only are you really intense and a bit too nice and wrong just for me
you are masochistic
and that is dangerous in anyone.

i hate it that i have to make problems up

Monster

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His handprints, imprinted
On her skin, chest, her thighs.
They draw my red-ringed eyes
To the unseen -his prize
Lost, that which showed his lies.
Society decries
Us. Who blames their surmise?

He causes me to despise
Myself. My babe was unwise.
Her failure to realise
His motivation, implies
I failed her, to advise
Her, as a father. Chastise
Her? I can't. In his cold eyes
She saw goodness. But his guise
Misled her. Led to her demise,
Her brokenness. I hear her cries
As she sleeps, blending with my sighs
For our lost years. It's been hinted
They've drifted off to holy skies.

try anyway

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no matter how close you get to a person
there is this infinite space between you and them
that you can't penetrate

Deja Vu

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I have this feeling that keeps coming back to me
like not only have i been here before, but i've said these things before, I was in this exact situation before
more than that, i have lived this exact life before
and like groundhog day i keep screwing it up
so i am forced to relive it
and i think
oh the cruelty
because more than ever i believe the mistake will be some kind of tragedy.
will be something bad.
but instead of peace i will be forced to relive it
to start again
to endure everything i've taken so far
again

it feels like moments are gathering towards one
and although i can do anything to change it
i don't know how to
or want to
because the idea of making it up as i go along,
of not unconsciously knowing what's in store
is fucking scary

Excerpt #5

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There was a boy standing in front of her, his ebony jacket a stark contrast to the soft colours and broken shades of the others clothes. She could vaguely smell the warm scent of worn leather peeling off of it. She wondered what he would order. Ellen stood by her side, crunching a ten dollar note in her long fingers. The morning air was cold, crisp and fresh. Behind them she could hear the hollow barks of the mechanical dog as it bounded up the street amidst wafting scents of market food.

fall from grace

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I have not changed
not in the way you think i have, anyway.
In truth I am just as happy now as I was then
My actions speak otherwise
Because it is a different sort of sadness
instead of the relentless numbness of last year
i now face a cacophony of emotions
each harder, sharper and more fleeting than the last
I behave differently
Because the last remedy was unsuccessful
Each day I assess what I am willing to give up, in order to keep going.

100

So I will show you...

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Excerpt #4

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She realises she no longer recognises the person she has become.

She decides there is not much scarier.

Letterhead #8

Dear Jack,
Right now I fucking hate you and no i wont tell her
let me make my own mistakes
this just reassures me that i cant handle you right now
i cant handle what you want me to be

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so yes, i lied to you
i dont care though,
because im protecting myself and i might as well follow through

its okay, because this wont go anywhere

you saw part of me tonight that you didnt know i had and neither of us want you to get any closer
i am sorry i texted you
its my fault all this crap happened.

it's okay if youre pissed off at me,
i am too
fuck you xx

ps. can i just say, that im sorry you had to get to know me at this time. im not always this way

FUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKK

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I actually realise why Dylan has given up on me.

Finally I understand.

I always knew but I never understood

I'm a fucking joke.

There's no words to describe what an incredible twat I am

REPEATEDLY

I am a douche bag

and it annoys me that noone will tell me so.

I swear to God I wasn't always this selfish.

It's just, I've begun taking care of myself, and that hurts other people.

i want to throw something and smash it.

crazy

Last night I had a dream.

I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord.



Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.


In each scene I notic

I dreamt I was talking to people, but they weren't making any sense.

I was walking through a courtyard and I would keep speaking to people-my friends, they spoke english but it was worded so strangely that I didn't know what they meant.

At first I thought they might have a thought disorder, but as more and more people didn't make sense I realised I must have the thought disorder, I was the crazy one.

And there wasn't a damn thing I could do about it.

Uncovered

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Again, doubts are nesting. That already,

With a soft word, you can voice your feelings
Ignites fear. Can't you see I'm concealing
...What? Incertitude, reluctance, dread. Flee
From me while you freedom holds its head. See
The way my mouth curves (not to the ceiling),
Not your fault but mine. A lack of zeal? Sings
The voice. No, I swear, my mouth is steady.
But look at what you have been dragged into,
My lair. The voice suggests I should sever
What has not even begun.  No! Adieu!
I scream to voices. Are they so clever
or am I so foolish as to undo
That which may bring joy to me? No. Never.

Excerpt #3

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She picks her way. Stepping over the brambles, between spider's webs. The untidy path twists beneath her feet.
The branches pull away and she finds herself with a clear view. A rolling asparagus-green hill, crowded by brocolli. Sunlight leaks through, softening the curved road that disappears behind white gums. She stills, drinking in the sight.
The gaps are filled by the quiet hum of life emmanating from the ground, the air. From those flying, their wings catching the light. Her feet are sinking slightly, into the ground. Look -you can see the air sinking into her skin, the rough breeze catching her.

She swallows the lump that has gathered in her throat. It hurries back, transforming into a laugh, loud and true.
She laughs because if this were a film, the outside world would mirror her feelings, not mock them. The lazy crooning of insects does nothing to ease the turmoil inside her. The sunlight should be rain.

letterhead #7

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Dear Ellen,
We are so similar, so alike.
You don't realise how much, you never have.
We've experienced the same things, but our motivations are different.
They always have been.
I never wanted to be found,
to be saved,
to be fixed.
I never wanted to drag others down into the watery depths with me.
I never wanted to prove anything.
I never knew what I wanted.

effy love.

Effy: You’re an idiot. [Sid nods] You’re fucking the wrong girl. [Sid nods] It’s Cassie you love. You only got mixed up with Michelle because, let’s face it, men are dicks, and there was no one else to screw, which is totally fucking pathetic. [pauses] Isn’t it?


Sid: Has anyone ever told you, Effy, this whole sneaking up on people, getting inside their head, is not cool. Ok?

Effy: I’m right, though.

Sid: You’re always right! You and your fucking brother! You’re always fucking, fucking… right.

Effy: That milk’s two weeks old.

Sid: It’s ok, I put some cocoa powder in it. It’s a bit chewy, that’s all.
 
- http://fuckingpantomime.tumblr.com/

Excerpt #2

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She didn't know when it happened. Only that it did.
That her emotions had slid away from her and she was once again surrounded by cotton wool that tasted like apathy. When people looked at her they could hear a faint ringing, like she was a bit hollow but they couldn't pinpoint what was odd about her, what was missing. It didn't last long, a few hours, after they returned she felt worry niggling at her fingers.
Days later, at a park as her friends drank but she didn't, she noticed a vague look in a friend's eyes. They were glazed, blunt, shadowy. She recognised that look. It looked exactly as it felt. It scared her.

letterhead#6

Dear Jack,
There are no words for you.
Not because you aren't special,
because you are.

Excerpt

Her footsteps thud in time with her heart, each a traitor to the other. Rusty air pierces her lungs, sometimes she closes her eyes. It doesn't matter. She knows where she's going but not how to get there. Her direction changes with the wind. She doesn't know why she is running anymore. She just knows she is running away from something that once lived in her, something she thought she had defeated. Like the world has forgotten how to stop turning she has forgotten how to face her shadow. She runs knowing that one day, one day she will trip.

the back-up

it's not a plan, it never was
but sometimes it feels as if it's this inevitability i will fight until the day i don't.

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Who's to say that

dreams and nightmares

aren't as real as the

here and now?

-John Lennon